Where to begin....
Since the beginning we've had a vision, an understanding. Although we started out young, we knew from the beginning what each of us wanted, dreamed, and expected, and for the most part what our limits were both physically and emotionally..
We knew we wanted kids, that we wanted to lead a good Christian life, honesty, dependancy, trustworthiness, faithfullness to not only each other, but also to our Lord and our family, and that this was forever and ever. We vowed to try our best everyday and to be completely dedicated to the family we made. That we would not give up or cop out and make false promises as we have seen and been a part of in our extended family and friends. We would use the lessons learned from others to help guide us in the direction we wanted our own family to go. Now maybe I am nit picking and being selfish, but I am so frustrated. I know I keep hearing how Sean only has a few more months of school left and things will be back to normal or better. But to be honest, I don't see it. My whole mind set has changed over the last 2 yrs. I still have to depend on others for rides(as I do not drive), but other than that, I have had to become completely independant with everything. The kids, the schedule, the house, bills, errands, and any decisions that need made. I feel like a single parent most days. We basically do what needs done or whatever we choose without any input or checking with Daddy. I miss our Thursday dinners out. I miss having dinner ready when he comes in the door and the girls jumping for joy that Daddy is home. I miss making ANY plans. Now a days it's more like there is me and the kids and then there is Sean and his job, school or softball. It's completely divided. I can't rely on him to help out around the house, getting the girls to their practices or to church or anything. There are so many things that need done and the best response I get is "Maybe, this weekend I'll have time".(which he never does, because he works Saturday and Sundays are spent at the computer for 3 or 4 hrs doing homework or projects. I have come to a place where I just wander through life day to day wondering when he'll make an appearance. And even then what kind of mood will he be in. Obviously, he has his own stress, which I would be more willing to talk out with him if he even knew a 1/10 of my own stresses. I almost dread his arrival because it just messes up our temporary routine we have aquired. Does this make any sense??? Oh..... I may be losing it.
So, finally. the last straw was this. The girls started soccer and all summer we have heard, how he is was going to be at their games, he was going to go in later on Saturdays and also help out getting them to practices(which are Monday evenings)...over and over we heard how school was almost over and it was getting easier to work around things.... And then Monday he gets his schedule for the new quarter... and guess when his classes are?! Mon, Tues, and Saturday!!! UGGGHHHH
I am crushed, Juliette has cried herself to sleep(he missed every band concert last year), and Caralyne just repeatedly asks me all day long.."When is Daddy coming home, is tonight a school night, Is Daddy coming to practice, where is Daddy, What time is Daddy's school over?" And to be honest, my only answer is "I don't know, sweetie"!